.png)
This past weekend, I learned a vital lesson. Giving your energy to a negative situation takes more out of you than simply saying okay and walking away. It can be just as or more physically draining than being in an actual physical altercation.
For the last two days, I have replayed over and over in my mind what I could have done differently. Why did I allow my emotions to get that fired up to the point of such hot-headed uncontrollable, and inconsolable anger? I know that I am human, and there are times when your emotions will get the best of you, but it’s been years since I have done so to that degree.
Anyone that knows me from many years ago has to give me the props that I am a completely different person now than I used to be. Nothing to brag about; it simply is true. I was extraordinarily hot-headed and would fight about a minor thing resulting in stints at alternative schools, detention centers, loss of friends, and damaging familial relationships.
Now that I am older, I become upset about things, but my ability to shake it off and walk away is something that this scorpion woman has become enormously proud of. I feel no need to prove anything to anyone. I have my pride, and I expect to be respected, but when I think a situation escalates, my answer is usually simple: Ok. That’s it. I state, "Ok,” and I walk away.
Nothing seems to stay with me very long. I don’t hold grudges or resentment. I just don’t. I can’t stay mad at people for long. After a while, I tend to forget whatever caused the discord in the first place and am back to hugging you and telling you that I love you. I am a little bi-polar, but again, I have taken pride in that ability. I am just no longer what is seen as your typical Scorpio. People in the past have done some hurtful things to me, but for some reason, it just won’t stick.
So, when I laid down Saturday night, I knew that it would be a brand new day when I woke up Sunday morning. Everything that went topsy turvy the night before would be smooth and calm as if it had never happened. That is usually how things go for me. It happened, okay……new day, move on. I expected to be able to talk it out, apologize, and be a fleeting memory in a matter of days.
But when I woke up the next morning and still carried a great deal of anger in my heart, realizing what day it was –Sunday, I did something that I had not done in a long time. I rolled out of bed onto my knees and prayed. I couldn’t take the lazy way out and lay in bed to talk with Him; I had to take it to the floor.
And it was there that I found myself laying down a lot of burdens that I didn’t even know that I was carrying. Things that I had let build up inside me not over days, weeks, or months, but over the years. So many things that I thought that I had prayed for and let go of. Situations that I thought I had gotten over and moved past. People that I thought I had forgiven, and we were now great friends again. Changes within myself that I thought I had made I realized were only a band-aid over a still gaping wound with gangrene festering underneath. Things were done that I had pushed to the side and never addressed, often letting them slide - all of it was right there waiting for me on the floor as I knelt beside my bed. I kept hearing my old psychologist's voice amid it all.
“Clolita, why don’t you feel that you deserve to be loved?”
“Clolita, when will you stop giving so much of yourself to others but not receiving anything in return?”
“Clolita, why don’t you feel you are worthy?”
“Clolita, why do you continue to let people, sometimes the same people, use you repeatedly?”
That was a take-home test that Dr. Cohen gave to me when I was 27 years old and had my nervous breakdown. I am unsure of my answer to him even back then, whether I passed or failed it.
But I did realize yesterday morning, when I found myself on my knees, that I was still doing a lot of the same self-deprecating and destructive behaviors that I thought I had resolved a long time ago. I was still going out of my way for people that did not deserve my kind of love. I was still overcompensating. I was still trying to do it all, not wanting to ask anyone for anything. I was still trying to be every damn thing to everybody. That sister. That friend. That confident. That provider. That giver. That lover. I was still running around here trying to prove to every damn body that I was good enough. But why did I feel I had to prove anything to anyone? What was I lacking that I was afraid the people would not see me worthy of being to me all the things that I was to them?
Instead of really resolving some things, I had traded them off under the guise of believing it was all growth. I was being so damn strong and giving all of myself to everyone else, seeing that as my change. My growth. Proud of being able to accept a lot of shit and not find myself balling up my fist. But then I could also hear one of my sister’s voices, and to my astonishment, in so many ways, she had been repeating the same things to me over the last four years, the same things that Dr. Cohen had asked me for 25 years ago. She’d been almost begging me to come to have a sit down with her all this time, constantly telling me that I was destroying myself, but I just did not want to hear it. I had avoided her at all costs until finally, I had no other choice than to listen to her in the middle of a kickball field at 9:30 on a Saturday night, the day before we Christians celebrate the resurrection of Christ. Amazing.
I know that I do not always give God his due as I should, but I will say that on too many occasions, He always chooses the perfect time to get my attention to where I have no other recourse than to listen. That Saturday was an ugly one. I saw a side of me that I had taken pride in saying was no longer a part of who I am. But one thing about life – it will make a liar out of you. And though I have no regrets about what transpired because, in more ways, than most would believe, it helped me. I realized that I still have a lot of work on me that I have to do. And the first thing I need to do is stop trying to be Super Woman. I can no longer continue to try to be everything to everybody. I can no longer continue just to turn the other cheek all the time and go quietly. Because doing so is a detriment to me. I cannot let myself get to the point of being so filled with things that what happened that Saturday happens again. It is not suitable for no one. Most of all, it is not ideal for me. I must figure out how I will do this, but I know, most importantly, I have to make some changes in myself.
Love, Chloe
Comments