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As you become older and you start to love yourself more... as your values and expectations change – or, should we say, elevate, to be precise – people want to be sure to remind you of who you once WERE! They want to ensure you don't forget the things you did and what you accepted in the past. You're categorized as a fraud because you’ve come into an internal sense of enlightenment instead of being seen as personal growth.
Years ago, I reconnected with someone I had once dated in high school. Our relationship back then was whatever you can think of to define as toxic. We were both EXTREMELY toxic. He was a high-level street pharmacist, used to getting any woman he wanted. As the infamous DJ Kizzy Rock bestowed the name upon me many moons ago, I was Decatur Finest Dope Boy Dream Girl who was also extremely angry at the world. Add to it his being a Leo and me being a Scorpio, and what you got was toxicity at its worst. We depicted the terminology fuck fighting. With his being used to getting what he wanted, I went out of my way to ensure I always let him know he wasn’t the one in control – I was. He couldn’t control me with his status, money, and animalistic sex. He saw me when I wanted him to see me. He couldn’t call me when he wanted some pussy. I called him when I wanted some dick. He wasn’t fucking me. I was fucking him. And anytime I felt myself falling for him, I’d go missing until I had my feelings in check. Then we’d be back to doing what we did best – being each other’s poison.
So, when we finally ran across each other, he was newly divorced, and I was fresh out of a long term. It was good to see him. But differently. We were older. I’d changed. And I expected so had he. At least I hoped so. Because for me, as I grew mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I had finally begun to find more confidence and self-love. I had shed so many closely veiled insecurities I’d always covered up with outward anger, replacing it with the courage to step outside the box that I and others had placed me in. Once you stop accepting bullshit, or your mentals start to elevate higher than where they feel you should be.....those not happy with your change take great pleasure in reminding you of who you once were. And that is what happened during my rejoining with him.
People who know me well know that to ward off becoming too angry, I stop when things get heated. My response gives way to simply saying, “Ok.” Because I didn’t want to say something I may later regret, and that was where things had settled with him and me on this particular day.
I was on my third “Ok” when he hit me with:
“You know what – fuck you, Clo.”
“Wow, __________, FUCK ME? FUCK ME! Wow.”
“Yeah, fuck you. Cause you might have these other mutha fuckas fooled, but I ain’t no damn rookie. I know the real you. They know Chloe. I know Clolita.”
“Ok,” I said for the fourth time, and then I hung up the phone.
Ten minutes go by. I’m sitting on my bed in the same spot, furious still at his words. “I know the real you….” And then I get the text.
Him : “Yeah, fuck you. I love you, but your dumb ass is too fucking stupid even to realize it.”
Me: “So, you love me, but fuck me? And I’m also a dumb ass and stupid? Ok____. Let’s end this conversation.”
And within a few weeks, he was openly dating someone within the crew. So much for that. I love you, huh? I LMFAO now, but damn.
But at the point of hearing, ‘I know the real you, I realized he hadn’t been prepared for who I had become. He was so used to the venom I once had within me that this new person – this new and improved Clolita. The person I had grown to become was nothing like the person he was accustomed to. I was so different that he could not believe this new me was real. Isn’t that what they say that a leopard can’t change its spots? But I did.
It's not that you think you're better. Well, you do believe that you are better, just not better than others. You're better at not accepting things you once thought were "good enough.” You're better mentally because you're not imprisoned in feeling like the masses. You're better physically because you sleep better at night once you are confident in your changes, not caring what others may think. You're better emotionally because you've started to let go of your toxic thinking, insecurities, and even the people and situations you held on to because they fed into who you once were. You’re better because you no longer invest in one-sided commitments and dedications that aren’t reciprocating in return. You're stronger spiritually because your soul is more at peace with the choices you are now making, and you are better aligned with the universe, working more carefully at monitoring what you give out, not to mention what and who you receive.
If you are still mentally and spiritually in the same place as last year. If your thought processes haven't changed or worse, you're rolling along effortlessly, adapting to everything being carried along, then you are not growing, nor are you living. In essence, you're dying.
I can't be concerned about what others think or say about me in their "attempt" to assure that I don't forget my past. I ain't never professed to be an angel. I will never be the type to brag about the ills of my past, but I WILL be the first person to tell you I've done some serious shit in my life that is not something to be proud of. I'll probably do some more before I die. I’m not perfect.
But my past is fuel for my future. My mistakes have been made, and there ain't a damn thing I can do about them except own up to them and try my best to steer myself in a different direction. I lived them, and every day, I work hard at forgiving myself. Each day I work even hard at no longer letting people "attempt" to control me by reminding me of my past.
The only one that can hold my past against me is ME! My happiness, growth, and elevation are not built on the thoughts and opinions of others—only the thoughts and opinions of myself. Take me as I am, or even better, help me continue to grow into being an even better woman than I was when you first found me. But if you aim to remind me of my past to control me, please leave me be!
I’m still growing…..
Love, Chloe
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