First You Ghosted Me, Now You Need Me

I really wonder what makes a person who has ghosted you decide to not only reach out as if nothing happened but also seek solace from you about the very thing they ghosted you for.

Ghosted

As I lay in bed early this morning meditating, I received a text message at 6:54 AM from a familiar number, but without a name or image attached.

“Hope all is well. Something just said I should text you.”

Since this person and I had conversed before, I could see they’d sent me a text last year on the same date: “How have you been doing? You were on my mind.”

To that text, I’d responded, “Good morning. I’m sorry, but I don’t recognize this number. I asked how the new job was going back in May, but there was no response.”

So this morning, I responded, “Good morning. I am sorry to say that I don’t recognize this number. I asked last year around this time who you were, but there was no response.”

This time, I received a response to find that it was my ex. He stated that he just wanted to make sure I was okay and that I should know who it was since previously I’d said that I always kept his text messages over the years. He and I had met six years ago and broken up. Then we tried to get back together two years ago; however, he’d disappeared. One minute, I couldn’t get rid of him, and then all of a sudden, he stopped calling, stopped texting, and stopped responding. It would be six months later that he’d pop up on social media with a girlfriend. By then, I was in a different place mentally and spiritually; therefore, I had no hard feelings. He deserved to be happy, and based on the pictures, it seemed that was what he was, so I was happy for him.

But this morning, I did say that the last time we were together, he suddenly ghosted me. He’d just started another job, and I had tried to check on him to see how he was doing. and since he wasn’t responding, I told him that I would not bother him again. He’d responded okay. Then, months later, I saw that he had a girlfriend and seemed to be in a healthy relationship. So, I deleted his number and all past text messages.

It was then, to my dismay, that he stated they’d broken up, but his meeting her was not why he ghosted me. He went on to say that he ghosted me because I’d confided in him about being molested and raped, and seeing how it had affected me so tremendously, he didn’t know how to deal with it. I recalled our conversation because I'd reached a point in my life where I was no longer accepting subpar intimacy. I'd found my voice and refused to fake orgasms any longer to assuage a man's ego. I will say boldly that a great many men have become selfish when it comes to sex and do the bare minimum when it comes to foreplay. It was my issue with him. Get in the bed, rub my breast, and then try to stick the dick in. A lot of men do not take the time to provide enough intimate touching that is foreplay. For someone like me, I don't merely desire it. I need it.

But now, the same experience I'd had as a child had come to sit soundly at his front door with someone he loved dearly – someone of his own flesh and blood. And then the young lady had confided in his girlfriend. However, instead of immediately telling him, the girlfriend waited weeks to say to him what had happened, which led to their break up. Now, he couldn't trust her.

And now he says to me that he feels my pain from when I spoke of what happened to me. How is that possible? You'd never know the pain of having someone who is supposed to be your protector do things to you that he should have been protecting you from other boys trying to do to you. You'd never know the pain of a classmate ripping your green jogging pants down from your 5'2" 120 lbs. while you try to fight against the weight of their 6'4' and close to 300 lbs. pinning you down, penetrating you, physically tearing away at your insides. You'd never know the fear of being a child afraid to tell your parents because all they do is fight, and telling them leaves you fearful they may blame you. And most of all, how can you feel my pain knowing that now I know you ghosted me as my boyfriend after I confided in you?

Is this where I can say, “How sway!"

So you walked away from me because you couldn't deal with my trauma, but now that someone close to you has experienced it, you seek out the very person that you ghosted to be there for you through the exact same trauma?

Again, I say, "How sway?!"

The crazy part of hearing this come from him is that it may anger most and have them thinking about how someone can have the unmitigated gall; for me, it did not. I still feel compassion about the situation as it is something that those who have never experienced could never understand the depths of its trauma. I still feel sorrow for this tragic experience that has taken place with someone he loves with his whole heart. Therefore, the survivor in me, who has great compassion for others, still offered solace to him in understanding how helpless and angry he must be feeling, knowing that someone within their family violated someone who is a part of his flesh. So, I offered caring advice. I advised against retaliation or bodily harm, which I could hear raging in his words. I recommended taking the young lady to receive help and urged that they take action and press charges. These types of situations are very often life-affecting; therefore, the sooner it is addressed and help is sought, the better chances of recovering earlier in life than carrying it into adulthood.

But what I did not do was immerse myself into trying to help and providing the same level of energy I once would have. The old me would have swooped right in to provide all the love and support I would have wanted after confiding in a friend. And it’s not because I don’t care or feel anger or resentment that, as his girlfriend, he could not show compassion and care for me but instead walked away suddenly without the briefest explanation. I do care about the situation, and I do not feel resentment. He wasn't the right man for me. I feel nothing but compassion for the situation. However, knowing that he could so easily walk away from me because I am “damaged” in a way that he could not handle only gave credence to the decision I made to reenter into my state of celibacy. I've been celibate off and on since my 20s, and it's crazy to me how people nearly lose it when you speak of removing sex from your life for an extended period.

Earlier this year, I spoke about waiting and taking my time before becoming intimate with a man. I’d been celibate for a while and happily so. However, the men dragged me for filth on social media. The things that were said, even by some of the guys I’d affectionately called my brothers, were heartbreaking. I’m an Eastern Star, so coming from my Masonic brothers, who have taken oaths to love, respect, and protect me, shattered me to pieces. The level of vitriol spewed at me was shocking. Never did any of the men ever question why, only speaking out harshly as to why it’s playing pussy games or, in my case, “Nobody is going to wait for that old ass pussy.” Yes, that was said, and similar. It was all about them and what they wanted and how long it was too long to wait and speaking all these reasons why it is stupid. Yet, quite honestly, most of them were not of quality men anyway. I had to ask a few, why does what I do with my pussy, anger you so when you don't have a chance in hell of ever getting it anyway. But I digress.

And while I did end up slipping up this summer and engaging with someone that I thought I had a connection with, it wasn’t hard at all for me to recommit myself to being celibate again. He hurt me, yes, but not like I have been in the past. I saw myself slipping back into old habits of trying to prove my worth, and it took a few weeks, but I was able to snatch my own ass back from the abyss. Good dick is hard to find, and when you get someone that knows their way around a woman's body, it will definitely throw you off kelter.

This spiritual journey of mine has been spearheaded by the last few relationships/situationships I’ve had and the things men have said to me that helped my understanding of just how sacred intimacy is to me and that only a man who really and truly cares for you and believes in the trading of spirits and soul ties, will be the one who takes care of that part of me that I have been working most of my life to heal. Most men don’t give a fuck about your past traumas.

Certain things can be triggering for me. Sometimes, I will stiffen up. Sometimes, I may push you away if the feeling is too intense. Since I’ve been sexually active, I’ve learned how to fake it. I’ve become a great actress. But also, especially if it’s just sex with no meaning, I am not as sexually free. Twice, I’ve had men whom I was dating to make it clear that my “issues” were affecting them. One, some years ago told me that I needed to stop tensing up because it was preventing him from getting his nut. Someone three years ago, whom I'd been in a relationship with, told me I needed to get over it because my freezing up was starting to turn him off. As a woman, you hear this, and you blame yourself. You feel it’s your fault and must fix yourself to please your man. For me, I knew that it was my problem, so most of my life it was easier to fake it.

Years ago, I was in a long-term relationship of seven years. For the first two years, I cried and would push him off me because I hadn’t really experienced an orgasm before him. I could not deal with the intensity of how he made me feel. The thought that he could bring me to a climax so easily and quickly not only scared me but also angered me to a degree. I was upset because after being molested and raped, I never ever wanted a man to have more control over my body and emotions than I did. The fact he could make me feel the way he did, pissed me off. Even as contradicting as it sounds for me to say, I’d been searching for that feeling I’d heard everyone talk about that had been stolen from me by my cousin and schoolmate as a child and teen. When it came to masturbating, I was in control. His being in control scared me. So, for the first two years, each time, I’d push him away. Each time I’d cry when I’d cum. Instead of being angry or upset, he wanted to know why. I told him. So he’d begin to help me through it. He would hold me when I’d push him away. He wouldn't let me wiggle away. He wouldn't let me stop myself from having an orgasm. It took me as many years as we were together for me to get over him.

Now, I have progressed through this beautiful journey of emotional, mental, and spiritual healing that has only begun to manifest itself as I stepped into my 50s. It has now grown into something I would never have imagined. The peace that I feel I will not let anyone destroy. I’m learning to be more careful with whom I intertwine my soul and spirit, and that is not just with the men that I date but in friendships as well.

However, I do know that a lot of people don’t believe in the power of sexual intimacy and the trading of spirits. And that is okay. But I do, and for me, that is all that matters.

It is my body, my mind, my soul, and my spirit! After having gone through the vast majority of my life giving myself to men who could only take from me and then leaving me trying to work through untying myself from them as I pick up the shattered pieces and attempt to move on in search of love again, I know true intimacy now. After knowing true intimacy with someone and understanding the spiritual connection and power that soul ties can create, as well as the carnage it can leave behind, you rest easy knowing that you are making the best decision for you.

Most important for me, however, is finally feeling that I have almost fully healed from my childhood molestation and being raped as a teen. I am finally at peace, and I won’t let anyone shake that. I have a sense of strength that continues to grow daily. I want to finally experience making love with someone on the same spiritual path as me and understand my - WHY! I want to experience making love without the crutch of needing to be tipsy off alcohol or high.

I am sorry that my ex, who ghosted me because he didn’t know how to deal with my telling him about my trauma, is now being made to deal with it on a much more personal level. There once was a time when I'd have jumped right in there to be that pillar of strength that he wasn't to me.

However, a dear friend said to me today, and I quote:

Be careful about giving yourself! Even in small chunks as well. That shit can add up!

To him, I responded, AGREED!

I’m done carrying other’s burdens. Especially of those who didn’t give a shit about mine!