It's Not You - It's Me

One of the hardest things I've had to do lately is to honestly admit to myself that, at this moment, I really and truly am the problem. And I stress AT THE MOMENT, and here's the reason.

I know I'm a damn good woman. Wait, let me change that; I am a GREAT woman!

However, mentally, emotionally, and physically, I am not ready for the type of companionship I once craved. I don't feel I can give 100% to anyone. Hell, 75%, even.

And it's not because I'm depressed or going through something. It is the opposite; I've begun to feel like I have finally found peace. MY inner peace. And now that I have found it, I don't want anyone coming along to disturb this feeling of calmness and tranquility I have longed to experience my entire life. So, yes, sometimes conversations are an intrusion. Calls are an intrusion. Text messages and even DM’s on social media are an intrusion.

Yes, sometimes I DO want IT. Sometimes I want IT badly. But that desire often weighs tremendously less than my desire to be free. It’s just that I simply do not want to be accountable for someone else's feelings. I do not want to feel obligated or pressured to respond to someone's text messages or phone calls. Because honestly, I have many days when I don't want to talk to anyone, period. I am incredibly happy getting off work, walking through my door, flinging my bra on the floor, kicking off my shoes, queuing up my old school R&B playlist or turning on one of the FBI shows, fixing a glass of wine, and plopping down on my couch and not moving from that spot until it’s time for bed. People call me, and my phone too often is on the charger in my bedroom. I used to have it in my hand, but now, I can go for hours and not even touch it.

However, I will say that I know a large part of it is that time, life, and past experiences have worn me down mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually to a degree. I have no desire to go through the process of getting to know someone right now. I have no desire to learn anyone's likes, dislikes, or desires, especially when dealing with the lulls in conversation and feeling pressured to fill the void when meeting someone new. I've been way past my days of being out here fucking for sport, so I am not letting my legs randomly fly open like the doors of Macy’s during their annual white sale. Yes, I do have some powerful desires. Hey, I’m a Scorpio, and we are highly sexual people. But I don't have it in me to wade through the superficial bullshit that comes with dating, like trying to figure out if they are just out here trying to get some azz. I don’t have it in me to navigate the uncomfortable way too early, sexually overt colloquy that tends to make its way into conversations before you know enough about this person even to consider sexing them. I don’t buy into a woman who knows as soon as she meets a man if she will fuck him. I’m not her. As a woman, you must figure out how to engage without appearing too uptight versus snapping off, like I'm prone to when I feel like all you want to do is fuck.

And with my knowing this, I don't want to damage what could be a great man because of my uncertainty and insipidity. Especially if his heart desires to find something natural and long-lasting, it’s unfair to allow someone to build feelings for me, date me, and invest their time and money in me when I know I won't match their energy. I'm a doer. I am a spoiler. I am a caterer. And for the moment, I am not that woman; therefore, whoever would be robbed of experiencing who I used to be. Because right now, I have no other desire than to be selfish with ME.

So, when people say hearing someone say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is a cop-out - that’s not always true. Because right here. Right now. At these moments in my life. It’s perfectly accurate. I AM THE PROBLEM.

Chloe