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Sometimes, the desire to love and be loved becomes so overwhelming that all I can do is lay in the bed and cry.
There it is. Yep, I said it. Though the moments come and goes, Chloe has moments when she is not just alone but genuinely lonely, and it makes her cry.
Many singles won’t admit to even themselves that there are times over in the wee hours of the night - that they are not just alone but truly lonely. There are so many nights that I wake up, and it hits me hard that there is no one there for me to throw my leg across or back my ass up to, forcing them to habitually throw their arm across my waist, pulling me to them. No hand to rest on my thigh or warm breath on the back of my neck. No one to punch to make them stop snoring or reach over and rub their back, feeling comfort in just being able to touch their skin because they are........there.
Society tells us that you are supposed to be sure in harshly differentiating between the two meanings. You must proudly stick out your chest and state with strong defiance that you’re happy being alone and that it is the ONLY road you must travel on before you can be satisfied with someone else. Society has us believing that being lonely is a character flaw! It is something you must resolve before you are viewed as being of sound enough mind to be with anyone else. Period – point-blank. It is strongly believed that if you think otherwise, there is an issue within you that must be entirely eradicated, and you suck Gorilla balls until you do. The belief is that anything else results in you being immediately labeled as needy and insecure. You are deemed as unable to make proper judgments when it comes to choosing a viable mate because you are desperate and will go after anything just to appease your loneliness. Therefore, you will fall hard and fast for anyone that shows you the slightest bit of attention. You are DESPERATE to admit that you are lonely!
Let me say…..I call bullshit!
For the most part, I’ve always marched to the beat of my drum, and these days, I rarely allow society to dictate to me how I am supposed to feel or live. I refuse to accept or convince myself that I should be happily single until the right one comes along and that anything else means something is wrong with me. I’ll never accept the idea of contentment. I’ll never let society and its ideals bully me into rejecting or demonizing how I feel. I am a woman God created with every essence and desire to love and be loved.
Love, loving, and being in love are simply who I am. I won’t change, eschew, or minimize that for anyone. Still, trust me or not, on my word that……. I refuse to make desperate decisions because my desire for companionship sometimes becomes so overwhelming that I find myself lying in bed on many nights, not just shedding tears……. but having bouts of uncontrollable crying. I partly blame my ex at times. GASP!!!!
Yes, he’s at fault. But no, not in the wrong way. My tears are not over him or about him. I’ve often said that I’m one to toss the bad and only remember the good in my past relationships. Holding on to resentment about what didn’t work is a waste of valuable headspace and energy. It’s just one of the believed vital elements of a Scorpio that I somehow must have taken a bathroom break when it was being passed out in line. Vengeful vindictiveness is just not me. Besides, our ride together was fucking AMAZING! We never parted ways on bad terms. The fact of the matter is, I owe so much of who I am now as a woman to him. He taught me so much about myself. He taught me the vast difference between loving and being in love. He taught me how it feels for a woman to have a man indeed be in love and show you that he’s in love with you. And it is for that reason, especially that sometimes I cry.
Once you’ve experienced something of such great magnitude in your life, once someone has been able to awaken things in you that even you had no idea of its existence - it is life-changing. Once you’ve had someone who helps you fully understand the difference between being fucked all those years, be it having been done fast or slow……..you learn that it was all just fucking….. versus coming into an understanding of what it means to be soulfully made love to. To KNOW that THIS right here…..in this bed of ours….THIS is what it means to have your souls…… mate.
It has become one of my life’s most treasured epiphanies.
And it is because of this, that I now know WHO I am as a woman. Because of it, I know the depths of my ability to love a man with my heart, mind, body, and soul. I know what it feels like to be loved, protected, and respected by a man without question. I know what it feels like to have a man know that if he chooses to close his eyes and decides to leap, his woman will take that ride with him. I know what it feels like to be “all pink inside,” so to speak – meaning, I know what it feels like to be able just to enjoy being a woman - because he is fervent in his NEED to be THAT man, to me. And because I’ve had that experience, I can’t accept anything less. I can’t, and I won’t. Some things are non-negotiables. I won’t make sacrifices when it comes to the kind of love that is required for me to no longer be lonely. My heart, body, and soul will never rest or find contentment until it is fulfilled.
And that is why sometimes and until then…..I cry.
Love,
Chloe
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