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A while back, I responded to a male friend's post on Facebook asking women, What Do Women Really Want From a Man? As I expected, many brothers quickly chimed in, stating that we, as women, really don’t know what we want, overriding any of the responses we ladies provided. It’s nothing new that the battle of the sexes regarding these types of discussions can become pretty darn intense and, if nothing else, entertaining.
One thing that irritates me in my soul is that men are the quickest to poll women about these things, yet once we answer, they will just as quickly negate everything said, only to turn around and try to answer for us. The most common response from men is to counter that we are consumed with material possessions and the desire to be taken care of by a man, alluding to all we want to do is lay down, spread our legs, and use our pussy as payment in exchange for Gucci, Chanel, Range Rovers, and a 6-bedroom home in Thurgood Estates. Do not get me wrong; there are some women out there like that—plenty of them. However, the vast majority of sisters have worked long and hard most of their lives, many having gone to school to ensure they can provide for their financial security only in hopes of combining with someone who has similar future goals. And yet, the very same men will, in a different discussion, expeditiously state how women are quick to declare that we don’t need a man boldly bragging about how we got our own. It is often a no-win situation regarding these types of conversations. In one breath, we are nothing more than leg-spreading begging gold diggers, and in the next, we are braggadocious too damn independent ball-busting bitches. It's okay to ask a woman what she brings to the table other than pussy and for Neyo to sing Ms. Independent or Webby to say she got her own house - she got her own car - she's a bad broad (I'm not too fond of that term), or Yo Gotti to see her as a 5 Star Chick, but let us mention a degree, a home or a 300SL with peanut butter interior. Immediately, we are referred to as ONE OF THOSE TYPES! How Sway!?
Most times, when I see men asking questions of women, while I once used to engage, now I see it as a setup. Most of these questions are only asked to dispute with an already preconceived assumption that no matter how much we say is not valid, we are, for the most part, will be blatantly called a lie. I mean, are you asking us because you genuinely want to know and understand so that we can grow and move forward, or are you asking only so that you can argumentatively convey to us what our issues are, why we are doomed to be forever single, why we don't have a man, why we are the problem in this thing called black love, and most of all what you feel to be proven facts in your mind? Help me understand what we are doing here so that the fields are level.
Well, for me, myself, and Chloe, it wasn’t hard to hammer out the things that are most important to me. I refuse to narrow it down to something compact and minuscule, though. I refuse to minimize what I pray for regarding a mate. I refuse to limit myself because life just isn't that damn simple, and neither is choosing a life partner. Because when you are talking about the desire to find your life mate, there is nothing small or minute about it.
I long ago tossed out that list of five things that someone pulled out of their ass as being the magic number you had to regulate your key wants and needs to describe what you felt was important. Because I am telling you right here and now, I need him to be attractive to me. And what's appealing to me is not wholly based on physical attributes; however, my eyes, yes, must be pleased. I mean, I got to look at this person every day for the rest of my life, and contrary to popular belief of always saying that men are visual - so are we women. You can't desire a woman with a tiny waist, no fupa, and a round ass, and that is what you pursue, yet ridicule women because they don't want Professor Clump. Miss me with the bullshit, K?
Yes, I will openly and boldly say I want him to have his own shit. No, he doesn't need a house in Thurgood Estates. I live in an apartment, so how would I look expecting such? However, he needs to have somewhere that I can come to sit on his couch, curl my feet beneath me, and be handed a glass of wine and the remote control to his TV. And do it without his roommate walking in the kitchen in a pair of basketball shorts scratching his balls as he sips OJ directly from the carton. Nor me having to hold my orgasms behind clinched teeth damn near about to bust a blood vessel so his mama doesn't hear. I'm too old to be doing the walk of shame, tiptoeing to my car, afraid his mama is judging me as some loose harlot banging her son out in his one-room basement flat. In addition, the sex needs to make me leave toenail polish on the wall above the headboard and give me mini-quakes when I'm sitting in meetings the next day. And we haven't even gotten to the intellectual stuff yet, and that is three. I did manage to narrow it down to ten on this writing, but I refuse to be told I have to place a limit on something that involves my happiness in life. I will write a list as long as I want, and with luck and the love of God, hopefully, he will bless me with the vast majority, and it will increase my chances of being able to withstand the same person until I take my last breath.
I sat INSIDE myself a long time ago and figured out what my needs and desires are when it comes to having a mate and a relationship. If, over the years, through relationships, trials and errors, successes and failures, you can't figure out what your needs and expectations are when it comes to a partner, you've not only wasted your time but other people's as well. There is not one single situation that I have been in, short or long term, that I couldn't glean something of use to help make me a better person for the next one. It is because of those experiences I know at this tender age of none of your business that I have a clear understanding of what I strongly desire In a mate.
My needs and expectations are nowhere near outlandish. Quite simple, to be honest. Yet, I now understand that for someone unsure of where he is in life or where he is going, it will be overwhelming. For many, whether they care to admit it or not, it can be downright intimidating, even.
The thing is, I've second-guessed and questioned myself for so long, allowing the pressures of social media to bully women into lowering their standards and expectations with the threats of, "You're going to end up alone," not to mention past situations that gaslighted me into believing I was expecting too much. Now that I know I am not, I’m pretty damn clear on what my needs are in building a foundation for a good relationship. Giuseppe Zanotti sandals, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, and Chanel bags are not a part of that list.
So…. to not be misunderstood, since communication for me is vital, I took the time to drop ten things in no particular order of what CHLOE NEEDS FROM A MAN. Many will question why I don’t have GOD FEARING on the list. Well, this is MY list, and I don't feel a need to itemize what, for me, is common sense. For me, he has to have a connection with a higher power. If he doesn’t have that, then he won’t get past the first week of conversation. Possibly the first 24 hours. Besides, everyone who says that are not really living themselves THAT LIFE. Most of all, I am not everyone. So here goes!
1. Honesty. I need him to be open and honest with me about his feelings. I need to know his likes and doesn’t likes. Where he is mentally, emotionally, and, yes, physically with us is so very important to me. I need him to be honest with me even during the hard times and with the hard stuff. Have I started to gain too much weight? Tell me. I bend, but I don't break. Because I damn sure am going to tell you before you're too far gone. But dude, you better get your ass out there and work out with me to help me get to where you want me to be. You don’t like me wearing weave – say it. I’m not one of those combative women who says take it or leave it. I am big on compromise. Can I get a wig, then? No? Okay, let's talk about it. My breath stinks; let me know. I need to take care of that because I love to kiss. I’m acting shady or petty; tell me. Did you change your mind, and you’re not sure this is what you want - say it. I’ll be hurt, yes, but I’m one of the most understanding people. I want you to be happy, and I want me to be satisfied, too, with or without you.
2. Stability. I need him to be settled or, at the very least, have plans, and I see he is moving in the direction he wants to be in life. He may not have all the answers, and he may not be rich, but what matters most to me is not having to worry because he’s drifting through life unsure of what his next move is or how he is going to make his next move his best move. I will hold us down because I have to when times are hard, but I will be damn if I will be a chick that has to carry a man or push and pull him into being the strong one. He can’t be out here at 50, still trying to blow up in the rap game or still trying to trap or die, and putting $6000 in rims and tires on an Escalade truck, yet still living pillar to post. Your last four residences can’t have belonged to a woman. He may not have it all together due to setbacks because we ALL have had them, but I refuse to be sitting worried about whether he is going to be able to take care of home from one month to the next. I’ll hold you down if I have to, but don’t be dragging me down in the process. I've struggled enough by myself.
3. Monogamy. Cars, clothes, jewelry, and hoes. Been there and done that is his mindset. At our age, he has to have gotten his whoring out of his system. A big dunk, tiny waist, and thick thighs don’t move him like they used to. His dick doesn’t stand up and salute every time he parts the doors of Pin-Ups or Onyx. Yes, it makes him look, but he’s already at a point where he needs one good woman to fulfill his needs. He’s picky because he has no intention of stepping out once he’s settled down. His woman IS his main chick, sidepiece, Lil Mama, wifey, wife, stripper, confident, best friend, ride-out partner, the Bonnie to his Clyde. Ain't nothing his boys can tell him about women because he knows he's got a good one and is not willing to risk it for anyone, let alone listen to others.
4. Consistency. The things he started off doing, he continues to do. He’s not about the smoke and mirrors. He doesn’t do something to pull you in, and then once he has you, he stops because it was never really who he truly is. Yes, he may slow down. Yes, he may every once in a while need reminding because he’s human. But for the most part, expectations can be set because it is who he TRULY is. If he says he is going to call, he does. If he says he is going to do it, he will. If he started off doing it in the beginning, five years later, he is still doing it.
5. Time. He not only puts in time because he knows it is needed for us to continue to grow, but he does it because he genuinely enjoys being with me. And I’m not talking about the time spent mainly in the bed and between my legs. I need quality time. Communicating. Going places. Doing things. Building memories. Shooting pool. Concerts. Sitting on the sofa watching a movie marathon. Sitting at the table in the house talking about our day while eating dinner with the TV OFF! Doing things, he possibly would not necessarily do if it wasn’t for the fact that I want to do them…but because I want to do them, and his enjoyment comes from seeing me happy. That would also fall in with sacrifice, but I said I’d only list ten.
6. Attention/Affection. I don’t just want it…..I NEED, CRAVE, and REQUIRE it. And LOTS of it. I would never be satisfied or even minutely content in a relationship without it. I NEED to know I’m important. Please stop what you are doing and focus on what I am saying to you, or simply set time aside to make it all about me. Please touch me. Rub on me. Lay on me. Slap me on the butt. Kiss me. Make Love to me. Squeeze on me. Just love me. I NEED this because it confirms that you still want this as much as I do. If you are not an affectionate man, no matter how GOOD a man you are….you’re not a good man compatible with me. I make no apologies. I won’t sacrifice my NEEDS because I fear losing out on a good man. This is not a want. It is a need. Touching is bonding. End of story.
7. Intimacy. Yes. Yes. Yes. For ME…intimacy is paramount. IN2ME. I need you to be into me mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I need for us to be connected on all levels because, for me, intimacy is comprised of all levels. Not just the physical aspect of it. Still, the physical is critical. And beating it up, jumping off the dresser, and doing monkey flips is NOT the highest level of intimacy for me. It’s sex. Your average Joe can fuck your brains out. I need you to be able to make my SOUL CUM! And that can only derive from true INTIMACY. And licking a titty and sticking it in, ain't it. If you are unsure, are you open to allowing me to TEACH YOU what it means to me?
8. Protected. I need to know that you TRULY care about my well-being. I need to know that you’re my first line of defense. That I can call you, and without question, before I tell you what the issue is, you’re already throwing on clothes to rescue me. Yeah, I said it - RESCUE ME! Hell yeah, I can take care of myself. My daddy taught me how to take care of almost anything, but if I got you, then I shouldn't need to. Come save me! I'm tired of protecting myself! You’re Mr. Make It Happen. My car is acting funny, but I want to go hang with the girls; give me yours because you don’t want me to risk being stranded. Look at my tires; are they getting bald? Take it upon yourself to get quotes for new ones. Did I ask you to buy them? Nope. But I expect you to be a man to me and handle the process. If you want to pay for them, great. But if you don't, I won't be mad at you; just make sure no one is trying to get over on me. Not because you feel obligated to do it but because of my well-being, my feeling a sense of security, and my safety is truly your #1 priority.
9. Communication. Open, transparent, and easy-flowing communication is paramount for me. It is also linked to my need for honesty. If there is an issue, come to me, and let’s sit down and talk about it. Be open to learning MY love languages because I want to know yours. If I am not meeting your wants, needs, or expectations, let me know so that I can improve on it. Please don’t assume that I always know or understand. Don’t keep things from me, wait until the last minute to tell me, or leave me to my own devices. That only opens the door for misinterpretation and assumptions. Talk to me and not at me. Don’t hear what I am saying only to respond, but listen because you genuinely wish to understand. Open your heart and mind up to try and see things my way as well as yours, process it, and then go from there on to decide the final outcome. Most of all, be open to accepting that communication can lead to a need for either of us to make adjustments and change some things about ourselves and our thought processes. I will not always be correct, and neither will he. I can readily admit when I am wrong, and so should he. He has to understand that just because we argue doesn’t mean that either of us will give up.
10. Love and Respect. If I have all of the above, I know I have these.
That's it! Well, some of it. Cause baby, at this new phase in my life, Good Sex is a whole chapter, all in itself.
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