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As soon as the dust settles, something kicks it right back up. The announcement of Deion Sanders and Tracy Edmonds going their separate ways may surprise some, but when I heard the news, I didn't even blink. Shrugged actually.
After twelve years of being together with four engaged, Deion and Tracey have called it quits. I'm not sure what outcome the masses expected, but it played out how I anticipated it. I'm not being a negative Nina by any means because I'm one who wants all my people to win when it comes to black love. However, I am also a woman with a few years of personal experience when it comes to investing years into a situation I knew in my heart would not end how I wanted. Therefore, I have some skin in the game here, as well as someone who's watched these things happen repeatedly.
Society will have us as women so confused about what direction to take regarding time and title that we often find ourselves spinning faster than a Category 3 hurricane.
"If he's a good man to you, the rest doesn't matter!"
"Why are you out here trying to force that man to marry you?"
"When he's ready, he'll let you know!"
"Marriage ain't going to stop him from cheating!"
"Marriage ain't nothing but a piece of paper!"
"As long as you two know what it is, that's all that matters, right!"
"Girl ain't nothing out there in the streets; you better stay with what's good for you!"
"All that matters is how he treats you!"
But then, when things go left, the song changes.
"It's your fault for staying so long!"
"A man knows within a matter of months if you're the one!"
"After XXX years, it was obvious he wasn't going to marry you."
"That's why you don't treat a boyfriend like your husband."
See what I mean? Ears are burning listening to the angel and the devil that sits on each of your shoulders.
Then you have those who quickly offer their own experiences and how they were together ten and twenty years before they got married, especially those who say, "We've been together 15 years and not married, and we are doing fine."
And there is no doubt about it: This does happen, especially today where living together is not a new normal but very much the expectation of eventually being the next serious step in a relationship. Finding those who would prefer to maintain separate residences, especially if the thought of marriage at some point happens down the line, is nearly slim to none! Where men once were the loudest in voicing their need to test things out before making the purchase, now both men and women are equally aligned. However, they are often not aligned on the time frame from which shacking should lead to matrimony.
Over the years, in talking to various women, many have not been honest about how they feel about living together. Some - well, a lot, go along with the extended version of living together long past her expiration date because she doesn't want to press the issue. Men are quick to say, you got me, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Then, add the pressures and the opinions of the outside world, and after a while, women feel stuck. Especially if he's a good man or a man all the women want, but in her mind, she lucked up and got him. And then there is the thought of someone else swooping in and reaping all the benefits from your hard work. Acrimony and Taraji P, somebody!!!! Wasn't that what the whole movie was about?
But isn't that what often happens? We will continue to thug it out until he marries us because of the time we've invested, although he has been cheating and stressing us out the whole time. Yes, you obtained the end goal, but at what cost?
Sometimes, we will finally get fed up and leave after years and years of trying to wait it out, and then within a year, he's married with a baby on the way after dragging you down to the abortion clinic twice. No, he wasn't necessarily cheating. He knew he was comfortable with you but did not want to marry you; you held each other hostage until one of you folded and could go in search of genuine happiness, not comfortableness.
Or, you finally break up after years of back and forth with him, expressing how private he is about your long-term relationship. Then, three months later, he's posted all over social media with this status changed to In A Relationship, with the woman he swore up and down, just his home girl. Six months later, the status changes again and says, Engaged to Insert Her Name. And there you are, watching as your mutual friends tagged in the announcement congratulate the happy couple.
Who are you mad at? Him because you feel he wasted your time, or yourself because no one can waste your time unless you allow it. It's okay to be hurt and even angry, but make sure that anger is placed first on yourself. If he really and truly wanted to marry you, he would have.
By the way, is Ashanti pregnant by Nelly just a few months after he confirmed they were back together after being with Shantel for seven years?
I will never say there should be a time limit on how long you are with someone because everyone has expectations, needs, and desires that are custom to them. However, honesty about what you want from a mate is paramount to your happiness and self-respect. We women allow ourselves to be, as well as bully ourselves into accepting less than what we want or deserve because of society's ongoing pressure to be grateful to have someone or that someone even wants you. Be quiet, accept what you are given, and don't apply too much pressure. If he wants to marry you, he will, but until he decides he's ready, smile and be happy that you have someone.
Bullshit! Say what you mean and mean what you say.
If you want more, be it a relationship instead of friends with benefits, engaged instead of shacking for four years, or marriage instead of being a fiance walking around with a shut the phuck up ring for four years, then say it and damn what society tries to bully you into believing that you are expecting too much or that you shouldn't let a man know when your patience is wearing thin and you're unhappy. Time is indeed something you will never get back. Don't be afraid to decide how and who you choose is worth the expenditure of your time.
As women, we are nurturing and caring. We feed you and baby you when you are sick. We take nothing and make something out of it. We take houses and, in hours, make them into a home. We are healers and fixers. We offer many gifts to those we love; therefore, we should not be taken for granted or waste ourselves on undeserving people.
A while back, I met someone, and these were my exact words to him.
"I have more years behind me than I do ahead of me. I don't and won't waste my time on anyone who doesn't show me they have my best interest at heart. I now know what I need in a mate, and because of that, I won't waste a man's time nor allow him to waste mine."
And I mean it.
I've groomed far too many men for the next woman. True enough, many have tried to come back years later, stating that I was the best woman they ever had. And THAT is another blog loading hot and fast.
My days of being a good little girl and sitting quietly waiting to see if he would pick me are over. My days of being a good woman, knowing that all the riches within me to give are just as deserving to receive and yet coming up short, are over. My days of being committed to a man for years, playing the wife without the ring or title, are over.
I'm too good of a woman for any of that. WIFE ME! Notice I didn't say PLEASE!
Chloe
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